02 Behind the Scenes
by vvardja
Summary: That which happens in Dungeons of Doom after a player quits, dies or - in this case - Ascends. How else would the place get so clean and ready for a new adventurer?


Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. All characters and events depicted in this story are fictitious, except for those that aren't. All resemblance to people, gods, animals or objects either living or dead is coincidental. Some of the ideas might not be mine. No newts, krakens, dogs, ice devils or other monsters were injured in the course of writing this story.

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**Behind the Scenes**

A tired Valkyrie [1] walks into a pub, hand in hand with Death and Famine. They notice a Courier sitting alone, nursing a beer, and sit at his table.

Death (leans his scythe against a chair): "Hi there."

Courier (looking up): "Oh. Hi guys. Back so soon?"

Valkyrie: "The boys had an ascension."

Courier (glumly): "Really. Sounds like a job for me."

Famine: "Our pleasure."

Courier: "I've never liked it, for the record."

Death (sips a drink the Barkeep had brought. It sloshes down into his chest cavity): "So why do you do it?"

Courier: "It's a living."

Valkyrie: "It's easier than what I had to go through."

Courier: "'s what you're saying."

The Valkyrie tries to say something else but the door flies open and a mail daemon rushes in, bumping into the barkeep and a few customers.

Mail Daemon: "Gangwaaaaa-"

The Barkeep reaches out and grabs the Mail Daemon's tail into one huge hand.

Barkeep: "No running. I told ya da last time."

The Mail Daemon makes desperate noises as he is dragged to the exit and thrown out.

Barkeep (to a customer): "Dere. Dat won't 'appen again."

The Courier sighs and gets up.

Courier: "That was probably for me."

He tosses a coin to the Barkeep, walks outside, takes a scroll from the poor mail daemon and reads it glumly. He steps into a magic portal and vanishes.

The Astral Plane is a busy place. Cleaning crews are wiping blood, feathers and little pieces of flesh from the floors and patching doors that have been kicked in. A High Priest is polishing his altar with the help of some lesser priestesses.

A Worker (to the Courier): "There you are. C'mon, make it snappy."

Courier: "What's it this time?"

Worker: "The works. Everything. Plus some more."

Courier: "Great." He takes a sackful of items from an altar. "What's so heavy?"

Worker: "The guy was carrying, like, fifty or sixty thousand gold pieces."

Courier: "The idiot. I'm not going to take all of this down, mind you." He begins pulling items out of the bag.

Courier: "Sixty four thousand three hundred and seventeen gold pieces. Twelve amulets, not counting the Eye of Aethiopica. Fifty-something different gems. Twenty-seven wands. Four artifact weapons. Why on earth would he drag those with him [2]? Rings. Scrolls. Spellbooks. Thirty-one potions of holy water. What, he wanted to take a bath?"

Worker: "Don't ask me." (Points to a Wizard who's standing nearby with a stupid happy look on his face.) "Ask him."

An Angel comes and takes a bloody dagger from the Wizard's unresisting fingers.

Angel: "You won't need that any more."

He walks off mumbling something about stupid fools who enchant Magicbane.

The Courier continues pulling most of the things out of the bag.

Worker: "Don't forget the stock for Izchak and the others."

Courier (sighs): "Wouldn't even dream of it."

He lifts the bag and a few other odds and ends and sets off.

Courier (materializing on Dungeon Level 1): "Alright. Let's get to work. Now where the hell is that mine entrance?..."

He traces off towards a stairway.

A Dwarf: "Hey!"

Courier: "Are you talking to me?"

Dwarf: "Yeah! Where's my pick-axe? They promised me a pick-axe!"

Courier: "I have no idea. This isn't my department."

Dwarf (getting angrier): "I want a pick-axe!"

Courier (gets angry too): "I don't _have_ a pick-axe! I only deliver artifacts and unique items."

Dwarf: "Then give me a _unique_ pick-axe!"

Courier: "Go complain to the Wizard! I don't have a pick-axe and I sure as Gehennom am not going to go and get you one!"

Dwarf: "I will! When the Wizard hears about this, he'll... He'll... He'll send you to Medusa without blindfold!" (storms off)

Courier: "Now what did he mean by that threat?" (continues his search for the mine entrance and then wanders downwards)

A passing Bugbear: "Hrmph. You. Have map of this level?"

Courier: "Sure. I have maps of every level."

Bugbear: "Where magic trap?"

Courier (points): "Over there. Why?"

Bugbear (proudly): "Me have to go in. Me appear in flash of light and then me be mercilessly slaughtered!"

Courier (walks on)(to himself): "Poor critters. Compared to them, I've got a _great_ job."

A careless step sends him falling down a trap door and straight into the Minetown.

Izchak the Shopkeeper: "Where's my mimic?"

Bojolali the Shopkeeper: "Anyone have an extra food ration?"

Y-crad the Shopkeeper: "Who took my tinning kit?"

Izchak the Shopkeeper: "My mimic's missing!"

A Watchman (practicing): "Stop, thief! You're under arrest!" (waves his short sword)

A Goblin (surprised): "I never dun nuthin'!"

Izchak the Shopkeeper: "Has anyone seen my mimic?"

Courier observes the commotion for a while with amusement. After the watchman and the goblin have chased each other away he opens his bag and starts pulling out items.

Courier (to Izchak): "Your supplies, sir!"

Izchak: "Why, thank you, Mr. Courier! You haven't seen a mimic mimicking a magic lamp somewhere, have you? I need it at its place!"

Courier (handing over the supplies): "Four tallow candles. Check. Six wax candles. Check. One magic lamp. Check. One oil lamp. Check. No, I don't think I've seen a mimic... Of course I could be wrong... I've never been good at detecting mimics. You could try borrowing a magic whistle from Y-crad."

Izchak: "Good idea!" (wanders off) "Y-crad! Y-crad, where the horned devil are you?"

The Courier sighs and heads towards the exit.

The Temple Priest: "Excuse me, Mr. Courier?"

Courier: "Yes?"

Priest: "So sorry I have to bother you, but you wouldn't happen to know of which alignment I'm supposed to be this time?"

Courier (thinks): "Neutral, I believe... But don't take my word for it. You really should check with the Gods."

Priest (frustrated): "I tried. The line is always busy, or I get a message that says something like, 'this is Susanowo's answering demon, please leave a message after the roar. RRROAR!'."

Courier: "I'm sorry. There's nothing I can do."

Priest: "OK, thanks anyway..." (to himself) "Neutral... Neutral... OK, now, _which_ neutral god I'm supposed to be the priest of?"

The Courier makes his way down to the bottom level of the Mines. Several workers are busy setting up the two secret doors. One of them is almost finished, someone is starting to disguise it.

Courier: "Hold it! You forgot the luckstone!"

A Worker: "Bugger! Now I'll have to do it all over again!"

Courier (sets the luckstone in place): "Ug'gkh."

Worker: "Duh?"

Courier: "That's Hill Giantish for 'excrement happens'." (pats the worker on a shoulder) "You'll get it done by the time someone shows up."

With a somewhat lighter load he climbs several sets of stairs until he finds himself in the main dungeon again, looks around and proceeds downwards.

A couple of levels down he sees a water nymph busy trying to crawl into a fountain.

Nymph: "OK, come on, guys, squeeze together or something. The Rules say I gotta be in this fountain."

A Water Moccasin: "Hissssss."

A Water Moccasin: "Hissss. Hiss."

A Water Demon: "Mumble mumble mumble stupid nymphs mumble mumble."

Courier (walking by): "You could stand _on_ the fountain. You'll still be a water nymph with a fountain."

Nymph (brightening up): "Oh, yes, that's an idea! Thank you, kind sailor! If there's _anything_ I can do for you..." (wink, wink)(presses herself closer to him and fingers his bag of stuff)

Courier snorts and mumbles some swearwords in Lingua Demonica. The nymph immediately pulls back and edges away.

The Water Demon (from the fountain): "Yeah! Thass right! You tell 'er, mate!"

Nymph (insulted): "Men!"

Courier: "Oh yeah? You ought to meet a Valkyrie I know."

A Water Moccasin (pokes its head out of the fountain): "Ssssshhhhhe did. Ssshhhe tried to cccccharm her and reccccceived a black eye. On Dungeon Level three. It wasssssss better than a wand of cancccccccellattttttion."

The Courier only grins. He'd made friends with the Valkyrie pretty quickly.

Courier (to the nymph with obviously fake concern): "I'm sorry."

The nymph positions herself on top of the fountain and pretends the Courier is not there. The Courier grins and continues his journey.

Several levels pass without a major incident. Eventually the Courier arrives on Level 13.

Telepathic Voice (telepathically): Testing. One. Two. Three. Anyone copy?

Courier (thinking hard): Read you loud and clear. Too clear. You might want to bring the volume down a little.

Telepathic Voice (much less loud): Your help is urgently needed at percent capital H [3]! Look for a dot dot dot ic transporter. (A bit louder) How was that?

Courier (still telepathically): That's much better. OK, I'm coming over, Wizard.

Telepathic Voice: Be my guest!

The Courier walks straight to the portal and dives in. He finds himself standing in front of a familiar stone tower of the Wizard of Balance.

An Apprentice: "We must strive to return balance to the world, or all is lost."

Another Apprentice: "Hey, you, silly! That's just the Courier, not a Player." (to the Courier): "The Wiz is waiting."

The First Apprentice: "Oops. I thought the..."

The Courier waves the two off. He makes his way to the Wizard of Balance.

Wizard of Balance: "Ah, it's you, my friend. What can I do for you?"

Courier: "The usual. Open the stairway and I'll be off."

Wizard of Balance: "Well... You could leave the stuff here and I could send some of my boys to deliver it if you want to. I know how many other things you still need to deliver and..."

Courier: "Sorry, Wizard. I may not like my job but I take pride in doing it well. Besides, if something went wrong, I would be the one who gets the blame. Now, about the stairway..."

Wizard of Balance (snaps his fingers): "Done."

The Courier nods his thanks and heads downwards. After passing through several levels trying to get past masses of bats and imps he reaches the Tower of Darkness.

Newt the Wizard: "That's my cubicle!"

An Owlbear: "Urgh!"

Pug the Rogue: "Actually I don't give a damn."

Newt the Wizard: "That S.O.B. went into _my_ cell!"

A Hill Giant: "Ug'gkh."

The Courier puts two fingers in his mouth and whistles loudly.

Courier: "Hey! Anyone seen the Dark One?"

There is a flash of darkness as the Dark One materializes on the up-stairs.

Dark One (menacingly): "Thief! The Eye of the Aethiopica belongs to me, now. I shall feed your living flesh to my minions."

Courier (undisturbed): "Nice to see you too."

Dark One (casually): "Your faith in wossname is for naught! Come, submit to me now!"

Courier (grinning): "Sure. Here. The Eye. The Bell. Nothing more for you today, I'm afraid."

Dark One: "As if there ever is. Why can't _I_ get a wand of death like Orcus?"

Courier: "A lot of good it would do you. No smarter-than-the-average wizard ever comes to the Quest without magic resistance."

Dark One (sighs): "Yeah. I guess you're right. Hey, perhaps they will make a new artifact one day that has a hundred percent chance of beheading. OK, fifty percent will do as well. But I want it then."

Courier: "You nemeses are getting more demanding by the day. Just the other day I heard Lord Surtur plead with the Council that he would be given Vorpal Blade."

Dark One: "I'll be damned!"

Courier (imitating Death's voice): "'I believe you already are.' Well. Whatever. Happy hunting. I gotta get going." (lifts his bag) "Even as a bag of holding this thing's heavy. I can't level teleport either, as long as I have the Amulet."

Dark One (stuffing the two artifacts in his pockets): "Speaking of happy huntings, I heard Orcus got one."

Courier: "Cool. That would be an interesting story. What happened?"

Dark One: "Beats me. We don't have much communication with the Gehennom up here. So make sure you remember the story well, then, when we meet at the Pub tonight with the guys."

Courier: "Me?"

Dark One: "_You_ are on your way to Gehennom _now_, no?"

Courier: "Yes, well..."

Dark One: "So what's the point in going there myself or sending others who actually have no business there? Have fun."

Courier (sighs, waves once, turns, heads upstairs): "See ya." (Halfway up the stairs he has a thought) "And you're buying!" (leaves swiftly)

Dark One: "Oh" *CENSORED*

Courier (re-materializes in Dungeons of Doom): "All right. What's next?"

A Mountain Nymph (approaching with determination): "Hello, sailor!"

Courier (not too happy): "Oh no, not again."

Nymph (smiling engagingly): "My, what a big bag you've got!"

Courier: "Bugger off! I'm working."

Nymph: "I would like to have that bag!" (makes motions of trying to steal it)

Courier (protects the bag): "Go rob a player or something!"

Nymph (bit less friendly): "I'm asking you nicely, I want that bag!"

Courier (takes a step backwards): "It isn't for you."

Nymph: "Soon I won't be asking _nicely_."

Courier: "That's your problem. You won't have that bag. I've wasted my time long enough. Now, if you would let me pass..."

Nymph (beautiful face twisted with anger now): "All right, _buddy_! I've had enough." (louder) "Hey, Crump, c'me here for a second!"

A really huge ogre appears, wielding a large battle-axe that looks pretty well-used.

Crump the Ogre: "Ah, Missus, one of dem cheapskates again, uh?"

Nymph: "He refuses to give me his bag. Perhaps _you_ can convince him somehow."

Crump (grins a wide ugly grin): "I'm sure he'll dink twice before refusing _my_ request."

Courier (backs into a wall): "Look, guys, I don't like violence. Let's just all walk away and pretend none of this happened, all right?"

Nymph: "Sure. Just give me the bag. And if you don't want to give it to _me_ then give it to old Crump here."

The ogre reaches out a big hand (the one not wielding the axe).

The Courier sighs, pulls out a wand, and before either racketeer can move, blasts the nymph with a death ray which bounces off the wall, hits Crump, bouncing off another wall and back to the Courier who catches it neatly with the metallic point of his wand of death.

Courier (looking down and the smouldering corpses): "I said I didn't like violence. I didn't say I wouldn't use it when necessary, though." (turns and heads downwards without looking back)

It is easy for him to descend. Excluding the occasional misguided creature, everyone treats him with friendliness or caution at the worst. Besides, many of the dungeon denizens are busy rebuilding and restocking the rooms and corridors. On one level the Courier sees several guards carrying loads of gold to a Magic Memory Vault where a mage is busy casting a portal spell. On another level a queen bee is overseeing her drones as they produce lumps of royal jelly. On a third, he notices a bored ghost guarding its bones pile. There probably will not be many visits to that particular level, considering its depth.

Medusa's level is calmer. The Courier waits until a friendly kraken gives him a lift across the water and enters the Medusa's Castle. A squeaky board refuses to squeak under his feet.

Courier (enters Medusa's chamber): "You should get that board fixed."

Medusa (notices him): "Mr. Courier. Nice to see you."

Courier (grins): "Yeah. You too. An angry dwarf told me to come to you without a blindfold, so here I am."

Medusa: "I see. Unfortunately that dwarf has not been here, or I would perhaps have turned on the 'on-the-job' look extra for him."

Courier (lifts the top half of the statue of Perseus): "Too bad. Well. I suppose I'm going to find him at the Wizard's Tower." (pulls a silver shield out of his bag and inserts it into a cavity inside the statue) "I won't bother you for much longer." (closes the statue) "There's still several more things to deliver."

Medusa (quite friendly): "Don't let me keep you. I believe the Castle's right below me, so you'll lighten your load even more."

Courier: "Yes. Well. The rest of the stuff doesn't weigh too much anymore. The shield was the heaviest thing." (proceeds down the stairs) "Have a nice day."

Medusa (nodding): "Same to you."

Courier (to himself): "Luckily most of the bigger people are friendly. I remember the time I had to fight my way through the Stooges... Oh, there's the Castle already!"

He turns around a few corners in the maze and finds himself facing a closed drawbridge. The Courier tries a few combinations of notes on a flute but receives only clicks and sounds of rusty gears trying to move.

Courier (looking upwards): "A little help here, please!"

There are a few distorted heavy-metal power chords, an echo is turned on and someone plays five ringing notes on what sounds like an electric guitar, followed by a fast solo and a few more power chords. The drawbridge comes down. The Courier sees a couple of liches enjoying the music, throwing their hands in the air and shaking their heads up and down. A lieutenant is pretending to play an imaginary guitar.

Courier: "Divine music, eh?"

The Voice of Loki (booming): "They liked it. You liked it. What is the problem, mortal?"

Courier: "No problem. You should have played some when I had to toast the nymph."

The Voice of Loki: "I did. But I didn't have the transmitter turned on. Sometimes heavy metal makes the dungeon collapse."

Courier (heading towards where three soldiers are playing cards, sitting on a chest with 'Elbereth' burned on the floor underneath it): "I don't mind."

The Voice of Loki (with a snickering quality in it): "Very well. Here comes!"

More divine power chords follow. A marilith picks up six hefty arrows and starts beating two leather drums and an iron golem. One of the liches starts to sing 'The Four Horsemen' by Metallica. The Courier makes the soldiers get up, places a wand of wishing in the chest and locks it, humming the chorus.

Courier: "...or choose your fate and die!" (jumps down a trapdoor, ending up in the Valley of the Dead) "That was fun." (waves to the grumpy priest of Moloch who doesn't bother to return his wave and descends into Gehennom.)

Courier (to himself): "Let me see. Asmodeus - nothing. Baalzebub - nothing. Juiblex - still nothing. So I have a wand, a candelabrum, a book and an amulet to deliver."

He does not bother looking for stairways, instead he leaps down the first trapdoor he finds when he arrives on each level. After another jump he lands in the middle of a deserted shop and on top of a giant mimic.

Courier: "Sorry." (gets off of the mimic and tries to help the creature reshape into a large box)

Mimic: (says nothing and sticks to the Courier instead)

Courier: "I said I'm sorry."

The mimic does not release its hold and draws itself up to strike.

Courier (sighs): "I do not like violence."

The mimic (smarter or perhaps wiser than it appears) suddenly releases him. He stuffs his wand of death back into his pocket and walks out, heading towards the staircase down, where he is sure to find Orcus.

Courier: "Howdy."

Orcus (toying with the Tsurugi of Muramasa): "Morning. What's the commotion up there?" (points towards the ceiling)

Courier: "Loki and a couple of others are probably busy forming a heavy-metal band. Nice sword you have there."

Orcus (beaming with pride): "Yeah. After all these years I finally got one of the Players!"

Courier (sits on a rock): "The Dark One mentioned something about that. We're all dying with curiosity."

Orcus (enthusiastically): "Yeah! Let me tell you all about it!"

Courier: "I'm the official representative of the folks upstairs. Since you won't come to tell us..."

Orcus (whooshing the Tsurugi in the air): "'twas a Samurai." [4]

Courier (points to the sword): "I can see that."

Orcus: "All right, then. Just for your information, it wasn't one of those weird ones who try to ascend naked or weaponless."

Courier: "He sure wasn't weaponless."

Orcus: "Yes, of course. I mean, perhaps you'd think he was carrying it for luck or something."

Courier: "I don't believe much in weaponless ascensions. So what happened?"

Orcus (settling on a random stone): "It was the usual kind of fight in the beginning. I zapped my wand and he reflected with his shield. You know. Poked me with Snickersnee while I was teleporting back and forth. To be honest, I don't really try so hard anymore, not like I did at first, years ago. I never get anyone and I don't have any cool attacks like, for instance, Demogorgon, so I usually let the suckers kill me off - least they think they've killed me off. Of course I can't let them think I'm giving in without a fight, so I zap my wand and make evil noises and generally act like a demon lord." (he pulls himself up and towers darkly above the Courier) "Like this. So anyway, one time I thought I'd catch a breath and teleported on the downstairs for a change. Guess what - he thought my wand was empty and took off his shield. Tried to wield the Tsurugi, I suppose, to move in for the kill. So there I was, with an almost empty wand of death and him reflectionless. It was too good a chance to let pass! Of course I expected the usual 'gray dragon scale mail under the cloak and maybe a concealed amulet of reflection'-trick but then BZZZT! -" (Orcus waves his hands and unsettles a little bit of dust. The Courier sneezes.) "- and his equipment is all over the place. Next thing I know, a Valkyrie appears and grabs his spirit and here I am, with Samurai bones and lots of equipment. And this." (he whirles the long blade around) "I still don't get it where the Valkyrie came from."

Courier: "Death's assistant. She takes care of many of those who do not ascend. Death was getting all overworked and was pretty happy when she ascended and didn't just sit back and enjoy demigoddess-hood. If you lived near, for instance, the Oracle, or visit the Pub, you'd see her a lot."

Orcus: "A new employee, huh? By the by, what the Gehennom am I supposed to do with this now?" (waves the Tsurugi of Muramasa)

Courier (lets out a deep sigh): "I suppose I'll have to take it with me. Get it back to Ashikaga before the next Samurai ascendee-wannabe shows up."

Orcus: "Good. It's lawful anyway and we don't like lawfulness much down here."

Courier (takes the sword): "Least you're not a Player. A chaotic player can't even pick up the Tsurugi, let alone play with it like you're doing." (takes out a uranium wand) "This is for you."

Orcus (sights expertly down its length): "Wonderful. Easy action. Seven charges. And it's not curved. I had a curved wand of death once. It was damn hard to hit anything with it."

Courier (displays his own custom-made wand): "I never have problems with this."

Orcus: "May I?" (takes the wand and examines it) "Now that's a thing for a professional. Beam catch, right? I wish I could have one of those."

Courier (stuffs the wand back into his pocket): "Yeah, well, you said it yourself, you really don't get 'em often, and the ones that you don't get, they get you. What's the point in having a custom-made wand when the next Caveman bashes your head in and takes the wand away?"

Orcus: "You've got a point." (twirls his wand between his fingers) "Ah, well, I'll just have to do with the ones I get, I suppose. As long as they're not curved."

Courier (gets up and brushes dust off of himself): "Well. It was nice chatting with you. I'm sure by tonight everyone in the Pub will know of your victory."

Orcus: "Me and the Boys will have a little get-together tonight too. Heh, 'fell for the old 'no charges in the wand' trick', I'll tell 'em."

Courier: "I'm sure you will have fun. See you next time someone ascends, then."

Orcus: "You bet. Give my regards to the Wiz."

The Courier now has to be extra-careful when jumping down the trapdoors, on the account of the Tsurugi. At least he does not have far to go, anymore.

Two levels after the Orcus' lair he encounters the highest level of the Wizard's Tower and upstairs to Vlad's Tower at the same time. He climbs the stairs.

A sickly Green Dragon: "Roar!"

A Titan: "Take your places, guys! I hear someone coming!"

A Green-Elf: "Relax. It's just the Courier. Hi."

Courier (waves casually and jumps over the Dragon's tail): "What's up?"

Green-Elf: "Oh, just killing time."

Courier (starts to climb the ladder): "Have fun."

Titan (grumpily): "Yeah, right."

The Courier makes his way to Vlad's throne.

Courier: "Your candelabrum."

Vlad the Impaler: "About time. Next time you're late, I'll have my vampires suck you dry." (he turns his back demonstratively towards the Courier)

Courier (under his breath)(climbs down the ladder): "Next time, come get it yourself, you pompous idiot."

Titan (when the Courier climbs down the second ladder): "Vlad happy?"

Courier: "He's never happy. Silver through his heart!"

Green-Elf: "We know what you mean. Just the other day he actually sent one of his vampires downstairs to tell the dragon to shut up when His Lordship thought it was roaring too loud."

Courier: "So what happened?"

Green-Elf: "It ate him."

Courier: "That's why it's growling now?"

Green-Elf: "Indigestion. We sent an imp for a unicorn horn though."

Courier (pats the dragon on its tail): "Have a speedy recovery."

Dragon: "Urgh. Rrrrr."

The Courier steps down the stairs and heads towards the bottom of the dungeon. He notices a charred skeleton of a dwarf by the Wizard's Tower's outer wall. Before he can say anything, the Wizard of Yendor appears in a burst of black magic.

Wizard of Yendor: "Good day to you, Mr. Courier."

Courier: "Ah. Mister Wizard, sir. I was just on my way to the Sanctum to drop off the Amulet and then to your tower to deliver you the Book."

Wizard of Yendor: "Yes, as usual. You may give me the book now."

Courier (seeing that the Wizard is in a good mood): "Thanks, sir." (hands over the Book of the Dead) "I'll just be a moment."

Wizard of Yendor (leafing through the Book): "Yes. Good. Bring me a potion of oil, by the way. My hell hound was cancelled by the last Player and I need to get its fire going again."

Courier (grins): "Here. I anticipated something like that." (takes a potion out of his sack) "By the way, could I leave the Tsurugi here for a moment, until I get back from the Sanctum? It's dead heavy."

Wizard of Yendor (apparently in a good mood indead): "If you wish. Orcus, right?"

Courier: "So he told you already?"

Wizard of Yendor (smiling a wise smile): "Little that goes on in the Dungeons escapes my attention."

Courier (points to the remains of a dwarf): "Let me guess. He was the one who woke you up by demanding a pick-axe."

Wizard of Yendor: "And that you, Mr. Courier, be sent to Medusa, without blindfold. I told him his wish would be granted."

Courier: "And then you zapped him, sir?"

Wizard of Yendor: "Naturally. I cannot have insubordination in my dungeons. I must thank you for getting rid of the nymph and the ogre for me, by the way."

Courier: "My pleasure. It was either them or me. I'd prefer 'them'. Well, I'll be back in a moment."

The Courier props the Tsurugi against a wall, throws away the bag of holding that now has become useless and continues his descent with a much lighter load.

Several workmen are re-tiling the end level of the Gehennom. Only the stairwell leading to Moloch's Sanctum is still visible.

A Worker: "Just in time. Go get rid of the Amulet and we'll seal this place off."

Courier: "Just a sec." (jumps down the stairs) (to several milling zombies blocking his way) "Pardon." (reaches the inner sanctum) "Amulet coming through!"

Several Priests of Moloch get out of his way and bow to the Amulet. The Courier sneaks past the fire traps and into the chamber where the High Priest of Moloch is busy being resurrected by Moloch's power.

The High Priest: "Amulet of Yendor. Back in my possession at last! Mwahahahahaa!" (winks to the Courier) "Thank you. Now, begone, low creature!" (more quietly) "Sorry about the boasting - I have a reputation to keep."

Courier (winks back): "Sure. Have a nice day." (sneaks past the fire traps again)

As soon as he has ascended back into main Gehennom, the workers reset the magical floor-tiles, covering the stairway, while others are busy rebuilding maze walls.

A Worker: "I wish I could genocide those darn umber hulks for good!"

The Courier pulls out a cursed scroll of teleportation and now that the Amulet no more hinders his moves, is whisked back up a few levels, finding himself again with the Wizard of Yendor and the Tsurugi of Muramasa.

Courier: "I'm glad I didn't have to come inside the tower this time. What's with the monsters and moats and all."

Wizard of Yendor: "Yes. I was awake anyway, and needed some exercise. By the way, I thought I would make things easier for you by creating a portal."

Courier (happily): "Thanks a lot! Resorting to level-teleportation and then having to trek all the way to the Office from the Entrance is a bugger."

Wizard of Yendor: "Are you on your way to the Pub? Tell the Barkeep to keep my seat warm - I will drop in tonight."

Courier: "He always keeps your seat warm. By the way, the Dark One's buying the drinks tonight."

Wizard of Yendor: "Indeed? That is good news. I will be there. I trust you will be relaying Orcus' story of how this came into his possession." (hands the Tsurugi to the Courier)

Courier (saluting): "Will do, sir!" (takes the Tsurugi and checks whether he has forgotten anything) "I will see you at the Pub, then?"

Wizard (already turning away to mind his own affairs): "Yes. Farewell."

Courier (dematerializing): "Be seeing you..."

THE END.

Dedicated to all the hard-working professionals who labour behind the scenes to make a game of Nethack the enjoyable experience that it is.

Faith manages.

Footnotes:

[1] The main character of The Ascension of an Ordinary Valkyrie.  
[2] This was written before version 3.3.0 when artifacts did not increase the score.  
[3] In the NetHack source code, certain pre-defined lines spoken by various people are marked for instance kind of like this:  
"Your help is urgently needed at %H!"  
where the program replaces '%H' with the correct Quest level location, like 'the Tower of the Balance'.  
[4] This little story is something that really happened to someone. Used here with the player's permission.


End file.
